family · me myself and i · moments · thoughts

Tomorrow, I’d be a better mum.

That’s something I tell myself every night, after the day is done and dusted. My mind plays through every single parenting moment that happened in the day and all I can remember is of me shouting at Elliott to go take his shower, or asking Everett harshly what he wants when he’s wailing till his face goes red.

As I lay in the dark replaying these scenes in my head, I get wrought with guilt and wonder why I can’t be like one of those patient and kind mothers who practice gentle parenting, the kind who rarely yell at her kids (I don’t think any mother can say they have NEVER yelled, hence the use of the word ‘rarely’). The sort of mother who keeps it all together despite being pushed to their limits, every second of the day. 

We have a village behind us. I have a capable helper who loves the kids like her own. My mum and mother-in-law take turns to come over during the week to help in the day. I have an extremely hands-on husband who has been an amazing co-parent.

I had a decent amount of sleep last night. I drank my teh-c and had my lunch. I even took a shower. Despite all that, I still feel annoyed, irritated and fucking exhausted. 

Like today where all 3 kids are sick.

I just yelled at Elliott to PLEASE GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. Ok, not in the exact words but please, just please go and take your afternoon nap so that I have one less (whiny) child to deal with. I can hear the twins wailing their lungs out in the living room but I am too spent to care because I know they will be attended to. 

We wanted this, didn’t we? We wanted children. Badly. And now we have three. So why does it feel so overwhelming and all consuming? I did not have rose-tainted glasses about parenthood and yet, this mothering gig brings me to my knees on many days. 

Today is one of those days. One of those days where I feel like a failed mother, a fraud, a train wreck. One who doesn’t deserve these 3 beautiful beings who push me to the end of my patience thread and then some. 

Tomorrow, I’d (try again to) be a better mum.

me myself and i · the twins

I is for Influenza A: Part 1

On 14 May, Sunday, Elliott came down the sniffles. Pretty usual, I’d say, so we did not think much of it. However, that night, he ran a fever of 38+ degrees which led to unsettled sleep for pretty much for the entire family. Poor kid was burning up and only settled when I gave him some Brufen to make him more comfortable.

For the entire week, this fever stubbornly stayed. He’d be ok and chirpy in the day, being his usual self (save for runny nose) but at night, his fever would spike above 38, hitting 39+ degrees at times. It was an entire week of restless sleep for everybody. I put it down to the usual virus and decided to let him ride it out.

Unfortunately, on Wednesday night (17 May), I came down with the same bug. I spent the entire night shivering under the blanket in the room (no aircon). My temperature was also hovering at 38-39 degrees and it was near impossible to sleep. I also noted that the babies were moving a lot unusually and put it down to the fever.

When I awoke on the morning of 18 May, I was near delirious. The boy touched my forehead and said I’m still very hot to the touch. I remember barely hearing him. I reached out for the thermometer and the reading was 39.8 degrees.

Sheesh. That’s pretty darn high.

Decided to call my gynae to ask for her advice. Her first words were: Go to KKH now.

The boy was enroute to work but rushed home to drive me to KKH. We  headed to the O&G (Obstetrics and Gynaecology) 24-hour clinic but the boy noted a sign that stated: For pregnant women who are over 22-weeks, please proceed to the delivery ward on Level 2.

And so we did.

We were attended to very promptly. When the nurse heard that I was running a fever, she quickly ushered me into one of the empty delivery wards and strapped me up to track the babies’ heartbeats.


As it turns out, I was having regular contractions. WHAT?! I had no idea. I just thought that the babies were moving around quite a lot. Had no idea that they were contractions? A doctor soon came to attend to me and she informed us that the first priority is to stop the contractions. They also gave me some oral medication (paracetamol) and put me on the drip to  regulate my temperature. She also said that I was to be warded for one night for observation.

Later that day, they moved me up to another delivery ward as the usual wards were full. This surprised me because I thought we have a falling birth rate? Who are these people giving birth and taking up ward space?

Soon after, a bunch of junior doctors (who all looked less than 25 years old) came to do their rounds. 3 of them attempted to put the needle into the back of my hand for the drip and let’s just say that at the end of it all, I had 5 puncture wounds on both hands because they could not find my ‘thin vein’. URGH. They also took my blood to test for all sorts of diseases, as well as a nose swab to test for Influenza A.


I was also given steroid jabs on both thighs to strengthen the babies’ lungs just in case they decided to pop out early. Those jabs were FREAKIN’ PAINFUL CAN?! I now have a bruised left thigh to show for it.

I also remember one of the nurses/administrators coming to me to explain the cost of delivering the babies early. It was all a bit of a blur but I remember flinching physically when I was informed that for a 21-day stay in the NICU ward for premature babies, it will cost a whopping S$30K. Twins? Multiply that by 2.

Jeez. That’s some serious money there.

Thankfully, with the meds and drip, the fever stayed away. I actually felt more human once the fever was gone. I was also given Nifedipine (or commonly known as Adalat which is actually a brand) to take – 2 tablets, 4 times a day. It is supposed to stop pre-term labour. The results of the nose swab also confirmed that I had influenza A.

The boy was saying that I can have a good rest in hospital but the truth is, I was in a 4-bedder because they ran out of single rooms and single rooms are mad expensive! The lady beside me was also experiencing pre-term labour but the other 2 ladies just gave birth so throughout the night, their newborns were crying. And when it all quietened down, the nurses would be coming round to take my blood pressure, give me meds, check babies’ heart rates, etc. I don’t think I rested much that night, to be honest.

The next morning, I was cleared to head home as the contractions have stopped. Hooray! I haven’t had a shower since I was admitted which was like 2 days of grubbiness. GROSS. I couldn’t wait to get home for a good shower. Did you know that if you’re Singaporean, you do not need to queue up to pay, etc? Once the doctor clears you for discharge, you can just leave and the bill will be mailed to you. HOW AWESOME.

I was given a huge bag of meds to bring home which included a 2-week dosage of Nifedipin, as well as Tamiflu to manage the influenza. There were also throat lozenges and cough mixture.

Now, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the twins stay in and bake until we cross into June which is really not too far away. Eeeeks.

And yes, there’s a Part 2 to this story. Watch this space.

me myself and i · thoughts

Days of being young and stupid

My mum passed me a bag of books the other day. She was moving and needed to get rid of “my things”. When I finally found the time to sift through the pile of dusty books, lo and behold, I found an old diary that I kept when I was in my 20s.


Opening the diary brought back a flood of memories. Writing was (and still is) my coping mechanism and back in those days before the internet (and blogging), I used to scribble my thoughts furiously. More often than not, my scribbling was about emotional pain, or “my crumpled heart”, as I wrote so cleverly (hur hur). I remember tears between those paper pages. I asked myself questions, I questioned the Universe (!), and wow, I even found poems. Yes, I wrote poems.

Very drama mama.

I couldn’t bring myself to read the entries in its entirety because they bring me back to days of an unsettled heart that was constantly searching and hurting. Some people say that your 20s are the best times of your life.

Not for me.

In my 20s, I was uncertain, unsure and…clueless. I wasn’t sure what it was that I wanted in the love department which led me to dating quite a few “wrong” boys. You name it, I’ve probably dated one. (If you’re reading this Mum, I’m sorry. Hehehe).

In fact, after I found the diary, I texted the BFF:

Found my old diary. Sheesh, I was so whiny and needy. Amazed you didn’t slap me. 

She still jokes (or maybe she’s serious, I don’t know for sure) that I still owe her therapy and counselling fees.

I am so so glad that those angsty days are over. I much prefer being in my 30s, thank you very much.

I pondered over what I should do with the diary.

Keep it? (For what?)
Burn it? (Not good for the environment)
Shred it? (Maybe)

For the record, I threw placed it in the wardrobe and maybe one day, I’d take it out and read it again in its entirety. Just to remind myself that we were all young and stupid once.

me myself and i · travels

Flying solo

Last month, I travelled to South Korea for a work trip. Before each trip, I am always apprehensive about leaving Elliott behind. To make things a little more complicated, the boy was flying out the same evening I arrive, also for work. We both rarely travel for work so talk about Murphy’s Law! Our flights would literally arrive and take off 5 minutes away from each other. Thankfully (or not), his epic flight to New York (via Frankfurt) was delayed for 4 hours so we managed to catch up with each other very briefly at the airport over drinks.

Each evening, we’d FaceTime (a big yeay to technology) and whenever Elliott go: “Mummy come, Mummy no go airplane“, my heart would ache for a bit. However, during the day when we were going about the tour, it felt nice to break out of routine.

Ever since I became a mother, it is sometimes easy to forget that pre-motherhood, we all had a life. A life that involved eating with both hands and adult conversations, amongst other things. I truly enjoyed the times when I was in South Korea, like looking at shop displays leisurely without having to keep a watch out for a tiny being running amok or the same tiny being attempting to knock over a mannequin.

As Yann writes here much more eloquently that I could have, it was nice just being me for 7 days. All said and done, I have to admit that towards the end of the work trip, I was looking forward to holding my not-so-baby-anymore baby in my arms again 🙂





lil' things that make me happy · me myself and i · us

miss ene checks out: Calla Spa (Suntec City)

On the morning of our 7th wedding anniversary, the boy informed me that he booked me a massage session at Calla Spa located at Suntec City. It was his anniversary present to me. Awww. I remarked that Elliott has his gym class but he said that he will take him there on his own and we can meet up once I’m done with my session.

He made the appointment for 10am and was informed by the receptionist that I can turn up at 9.45am to fill up the forms and to use the Mineral Hot Pool and sauna.

I noted from their address that it is located Suntec Tower 2 and having worked at Suntec Tower 1 previously, I thought I was familiar with the place. Unfortunately (for me), Suntec has undergone quite a transformation and the mall has changed quite a bit.

I found myself at this entrance and realised, upon closer inspection, that this is the back entrance.


There were no signs to lead me to the main entrance so I found myself wandering about aimlessly for a bit. Made my way out of the building and ah, there it was.


When I made my way in, there was no one at the reception area except for an elderly “aunty” who looked like she was one of the cleaning crew. She invited me to sit at the waiting area to fill in the form and so I did.


I found it a bit strange that no receptionist was on duty but as I later found out, the spa only opens at 10am which means that no one has reported for work yet (except for the technical and cleaning crew).

Tip: Arrive after 10am if you’d like the full service experience or you’d end up feeling a bit lost like me!


As you can see from the pictures, the surroundings, i.e. hardwear, was lovely. Very zen and peaceful environment. However, for a spa that calls itself a ‘prestigious lifestyle and wellness’ spa, I found the lack of a proper welcome when I stepped in a little wanting. In fact, in their email confirmation, it specifically states:

Please do come 30 mins earlier before the treatment time, to allows us to give you a Sap Tour and Register you as our Calla Customer.

Hmm. There was no spa tour provided but never mind.

Anyway, after I was done with the form, I was asked to make my way to the ladies’ changing area. A female bathroom attendant (is that what they’re called?) passed me a locker key that came in the form of a bangle that I can wear around my wrist.


I also found it fascinating that there was no key. Instead, it was a metal button thingy that you slot into the corresponding locker and voila, your locker is open. Very high-tech!

I was the only customer around so I took the chance to look around the huge changing area.



Across the neatly folded white towels is a vanity table with hair-dryer, all sorts of lotions, large mirror, etc so that you can get yourself ready again to face the world after your spa session. That area at the end with the curtain is the changing cubicle where you change out of your clothes and into a cotton robe and put on their provided footwear.

I was pleasantly surprised that the footwear given to me wasn’t huge (which is usually the case) and I wasn’t swimming in the cotton robe. It doesn’t seem like much but it is nice knowing that the cotton robes and footwear catered to smaller sized females instead of a one-size-fits-all attire.

In the same (huge) changing area was also the Mineral Hot Pool that I only noticed after I was done with my massage. I did not use it because I did not want to sit in it naked and then have strangers walk in.


Doesn’t the whole set-up remind you of an old-school sword-fighting show where the hero and heroine hide in some forsaken cave to try and heal from serious wound that they sustained from fighting with the bad guys? 😉

After I was done changing, I was ushered to the massage room for my scrub and body massage. The boy booked me the $188 promotion package that includes a 45-minute body strategist scrub and 60-minute body massage. Description of each treatment is taken from Calla Spa’s website:



The room where the massage and scrub was to take place comes with an attached bathroom so that one can simply shower to wash off the scrub granules after one is done before continuing with the massage.


Being a relatively new entity meant that everything looked new and smelt nice and clean which was lovely. I had 2 different ladies for both treatments (both were from China).


I had a nice chat with the lady who did the scrub treatment and it was during our conversation that I learnt that the spa only opened at 10am. I shared about my experience and she was very receptive to the feedback, saying that she will share it with management.

The second lady who did my deep tissue massage was, in a nutshell, brutal. But I mean that in a good way. She could tell that my body was extremely knotty and worked really hard to iron out the many kinks. In fact, after the massage, I felt remarkably lighter. She shared that not many customers to Calla Spa opt for these ‘hard’ massages as they prefer the soft, relaxing ones that lull them to sleep. Heh.

After I was done with both treatments, I was ushered to the dining area called Bistro. I did not realise that all customers of the spa get to enjoy a complimentary meal.


By now, there were a few other customers and quite a few were in pairs. It was at this point that I really wished the boy was with me to enjoy the meal together!


Everything on the menu looked good so after studying it for a bit, I decided to go for the Wild Mushroom Soup and Grilled Salmon Steak with Hollandaise Miso. To be honest, I had very very low expectations of the food quality because this is a spa afterall, right? I would expect their massages to be good but food quality? Hmm….



To my very pleasant surprise, the food quality was pretty darn amazing! I would be happy to pay for it! The mushroom soup was thick and flavourful and that salmon steak. It was a huge chunk of steak and despite looking like it’s a small portion, I was struggling to finish towards the end of the meal (those who know me will know that I can eat).

The meal capped off the lovely scrub and massage session and I walked out feeling light-footed with a happy belly.

When I was footing the bill, the receptionist (who has since reported for work, obviously) was extremely apologetic about the miscommunication that took place in the morning. I like that a company is willing to take constructive feedback so that they can improve the customer experience.

I’d probably make a second trip back but this time, with the boy in tow. Right – who’s up for baby-sitting Mr Bubu-Pants?