elliott · me myself and i · thoughts

In the dead of the night

So I wrote an entry back then about heading back to work after my maternity leave. I also wrote about how Elliott woke up almost every other hour that very night after 1am and how I’d save that story for another day?

Today is that day. I am going to tell you the story of the night wakings.

For the past 2 nights, my dear son whom I love with all my heart and soul, tried to kill his mother (and food source) by waking every single hour, sometimes twice in an hour. During my non-working days, it wasn’t too bad because mum would be on hand to take him off my hands when the day broke and I can catch up on much needed sleep. Now that I have returned to full-time work, such night wakings are killing me (and my already depleted brain cells) slowly.

I don’t know how other working mothers do it but I am so damn exhausted when morning comes, I barely have the energy to reach out to turn off the alarm (not that I need it because I’m already awake, yo). I use up every single ounce of (remaining) energy in my body to get myself ready for work and I thank God for the invention of make-up and hair gel. Many a times, I have contemplated calling in sick, or taking leave for the day because I was so. damn. tired, I cannot think straight. Sometimes, I am also nervous about driving because my concentration level is at an all-time low.

Last night (or this morning) was another one of those please-just-kill-me-now nights.

At 2am-ish, Elliott finally fell back asleep after the nth waking and as I laid still in the dead of the night, tears rolled down my cheeks. Hot fat tears. I was so so exhausted, yet I couldn’t sleep. I somehow knew that he would be waking up again in the next hour or so, and trying to fall asleep then was futile because I’d have to get up again. Rinse and repeat till morning. Hot fat tears came, fast and furious.  I was upset that I was feeling upset. Wasn’t it me who wanted this child so badly? Shouldn’t I have already expected this?  

At 2am this morning, I felt like the loneliest person, and the worst mother. Yet at the same time, I felt like I didn’t have the right to cry or feel sorry for myself because hey, I wanted this child so badly and now that he’s here, I really shouldn’t be whining.

To be honest, I think I know the reason for the frequent night wakings. The poor boy is teething. I can see his upper teeth poking through the gums and one can only imagine how painful that must be for such a little person. I succumbed (because this mother here is all about going organic and natural, yada yada yada) and gave him baby paracetamol, hoping to help ease his teething pains. Unfortunately, that did not work because he was still up every hour, seeking comfort from the one source that he knows best – his mother. To say that teething is a bitch is an understatement.

I remind myself that countless mothers have gone through worst episodes and survived, and I know I will too. Tomorrow will be another day and soon, these episodes will remain a distant memory.

Till then, I pray for patience and strength to survive the first year.

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