note to elliott

Note to Elliott – 02

Dear Elliott,

When I was much younger, I used to push boundaries with my mum. That’s Por Por to you. I wanted to stay out till 3am. I wanted to backpack around around Nepal for a month. I wanted to scuba dive. There were loads of stuff that I wanted to do because oh, I was young and carefree. When Por Por expressed concerns about scuba diving, I brushed her off and said that it’s “all very safe!“. When I was out partying till late, I would receive text messages from her asking me to “come home early to rest because you need to work tomorrow“. She asked me not to scuba dive because “it is dangerous“.

Did I listen? Of course not. I was young and had a mind of my own. I just thought that Por Por was *totally* cramping my style and freedom and being “old-fashioned”. When she got exasperated with me, she’d always repeat: Wait till you become a mother, then you’d know!

Thanks to you, I am now a mother. A very new mother, just about 2 months into the role. At this point, I am not too sure if I am comfortable for you to stay out till 3am (maybe when you’re 30?), go backpacking for a month in Nepal (are you mad?!) or learn scuba diving (so dangerous!!). Suddenly, your Por Por isn’t that old-fashioned after all.

She was…being a mother.

I guess I finally understood what she meant. As a wise person once said: ‘Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.’ 

And you, my little one, is that huge part of my heart that is now outside my body.

It is amazing watching you grow. You are getting stronger and bigger everyday. You are outgrowing your clothes faster than you can wear them. It is hard to believe that you were a teeny tiny newborn just mere weeks ago.  You coo and “chat”. You react by chuckling when we tickle your (pudgy) belly. You flail your arms around and do little kicks.

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You stare intently at my gold-and-pink accessory holder as well as that non-working lamp above our heads. You love bright lights and repeated patterns. You coo at your cot mobile and I sit in silence, just watching you discover a whole new world. When we are out and about, you refuse to nap in the baby carrier because you are too busy taking in all the new colours, sights and sounds. We love watching your face as you furrow your little brows in wonderment with a “WOW! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?! expression. You smile back at us during our “chats” and our heart turns to mush.

Today is Mother’s Day. Thank you for making me a mother and more importantly, your mother. I hope that I live up to all that you want me to be and more.

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Love you always,
Mummy xoxo

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