So our canvas picture is now ready. I know that because earlier today, I received an email from the printers. Their email was accompanied by an e-invoice. Nothing surprising nor out of the norm but you have to read their email to me. I am still wondering if they meant it as a joke.
Please note that nothing’s been edited. What you are about to read is a “as-it-is” piece. Well, except that I’ve taken out the company’s name and my name:
Dear miss ene,
It is my pleasure to inform you that your brilliant print is ready to be collected.
You will be pleased to know that I personally supervised our production team as they delicately printed your image and hand crafted a fine timber frame from the very best of our timber stocks. I watched as they delicately stretched and wrapped your print around the frame, and meticulously inserted Italian made staples to secure your print.
I took great delight in witnessing our highly trained hanging expert from Japan insert the hooks and cord that will be used to hang your print for all the world to see. Your print was then carried aloft to our packaging temple, where our white-gloved staff checked your work of art to ensure it met our sky high standards.
I could only smile as your print was collected by six fine horsemen from our production facility. The roar of 100 drummers drumming was deafening, as your print was moved to our showroom, awaiting your collection. We are thoroughly exhausted, but cannot wait to serve you again.
Thank-you once again, we truly appreciate that it is you, our customer, that puts the food on our table.
Please find attached invoice ‘20090680’. The total amount owing is $251. Bank details as follows. Please include your name or invoice number in the transfer reference.
Account Name: XXX
Bank code:XXX XXX XXX
Kind Regards and thank-you once again.
XXX Accounts Team
Well, I am very glad to know that my canvas print:
- was handled by ‘ highly trained hanging expert from Japan’. Not sure why but I have this vision of a tiny Japanese man (ala the small chinese guy in Ocean’s Eleven) swinging about on ropes trying to ‘insert the hook and cord’.
- has ‘italian-made staples’ (someone tell how to spot the difference between italian-made staples against the ones used by mere mortals like us?)
- my canvas print (MINE!!!) was ‘carried aloft’ to their ‘packaging temple’ where Michael Jackson fans ‘white-gloved staff’ checked MY piece of art. I’m starting to think that our canvas print is a sacred gift from higher beings.
- was colleted by ‘six fine horsemen’ from their production facility. I mean, WOW. Seriously! Horsemen?! I wonder if they were riding into the facility on white horses with gorgeous manes (the horses, not the men).
- made a very loud noise because of the ‘100 drummers’. All this fanfare just for MY print? WOW!
- ‘truly exhausted’ all their staff but they ‘can’t wait to serve me again’. After all that effort they went through, do I really want to put them through – gasp – another order??
- helped to ‘put food on their table’. Now, I’m starting to feel like Angelina Jolie. Someone give me a Nobel Peace prize already. Or is it a humanitarian award? Whatever. Anything also can. I’m easy.
And you know what? For all that cross-border effort (Italy, Japan, the works) they went through, I ONLY owe them $251. Awwww. It is such a good deal, I can weep.
Someone pass me the hanky please. Sniff.